I Guess I Should Explain Some

Okay, so the last three posts I've been writing in some kind of freeform poem format, and I guess I should at least clarify my situation. I won't give out my name or address for safety's sake, but I'll try to- explain myself.

I am a sophomore in high school, and I have a slightly below-average work ethic. It's not entirely my fault, but I have a low B average most of the year. I enjoy acting in theatrical productions- school, community, paying. I've- well, I've tried getting a job, but they won't let me. I'm talking about my town. Many people in my town are homophobic, or racist, or otherwise, and their bigotry is hidden behind closed doors and loopholes, behind the shielding of those who hide their hatrid and those who are against it, but too afraid to stand up.

I guess it goes without saying. And I aren't afraid to admit it. I'm gay. I guess I'm not afraid to say it because, well, I'm not giving away my name or address. They can't find me. They can't hurt me unless they know who I am.

What am I saying? They hurt me anyways. They beat me and they yell at me and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut because I chose to think differently.

...what do I do? I can't go to my parents, can I? No, they'll probably hate me, too. They'd yell at me and beat me and I already get enough of that everywhere. I can't see a therapist... no, he or she would hate me too.

I feel like I'm trapped in a rut. And I can't escape. There's no way out except that way out. And like hell am I trying that. Not... not yet anyways.

I'll try to find a way out. I have to.

I need to.

They Beat Us Again

It's never just me.
Sometimes I wish it was only me.
But it's never only me.
They hate everyone who's different.

I have a friend who is a Freshman
Named Ra'smed A'Hara
They beat him over and over and over again
Just because he prayed in a mosque
And had the gall to not have been born in the United States.

They aren't skinheads or Neo-Nazis.
But they are just as bad.
They're cruel and they're vicious.
They threaten and beat and sometimes they even hospitalize
And somehow the school system lets them get by with it.
The city lets them get by with it.

It hurts.
I don't feel like I have an ally anywhere.

I'm Different And They Hate That

They hate me because I'm not like them.
They despise me because I chose not to conform.

Because I chose to be what I wanted to be.
Because they're afraid to be caught in the open.
Because they're afraid of change.

My name is Michaels.
I am 17 years old, a Junior, I have a 3.5 GPA
I love bicycling, acting, and choir
and I like men.

That's what sets them off.
Because I'm not conforming to their ideas
That men should love women or vice versa.
Because they don't like me, and that's why they didn't stop the beating.

I'd give anything for help.
Anything.

I Can't Stop

There are many things I can't stop.

I can't stop the pain.
I can't stop the bleeding.
I can't stop the memories.

I can still remember their kicking
I still remember the jeering
I remember the malice on their faces.

I remember thinking to myself, "What have I ever done to deserve this?"
Then I remember I did do something to deserve the beatings.
I was born.
And that was all they needed.

It took me hours to stumble home.
They tied my arms around my back.
They're horrible people-
But I deserve it, don't I?
If I didn't deserve it, then why did they keep beating?